An individual’s sense of self develops and shifts over time based on the subjective experience. It is through relationship that we are best able to see and define ourselves. My intrasubjective experiences - my experiences of self - serve to either reinforce my view of myself or challenge that view. My experiences of relationships and of community and culture, the way that I interact with others and with the world around me, shape how I view myself in relation to my surroundings. These relationships can be affirming or challenging, which serve to create self-cohesion or self-fragmentation.
For me, a cohesive sense of self means being confident in my knowledge of myself and the ability to express myself. Through self-cohesion I am able to empathically engage with others. I am stable in my understanding of my self; confident in my thoughts, feelings, and actions; and ready to engage with the world around me. On the other end of the continuum is self-fragmentation. I experience fragmentation when I feel challenged in how I view myself and doubtful of my sense of self. Fragmentation leads me to low self-esteem and often causes anxiety: it causes me to doubt who I am and how well I know myself. Every selfobject experience has the potential to encourage cohesion or fragmentation. Each thought, emotion, or action can push me towards self-assertion and confidence or make me question “who I am.”
Becoming aware of my various subjectivities and unique ways of engaging with the world allows me to continue to develop my sense of self. Taking time to examine my subjectivities gives me more information with which I can become the person that I strive to be and, ideally, my choreographic work will reflect that version of myself. My intrasubjective relationship becomes important in the beginning of the choreographic process when I am exploring movement by myself in the studio. I begin by following my interests and developing phrases of movements that illustrate the ideas and feelings that I am pursuing in that particular moment. My intersubjective relationships with the dancers with whom I work colors the movement in different ways and adds layers of meaning. These relationships can also shift the original intention of the movement in different ways: the self object experience of transferring choreography from one body to another can affirm my sense of who I am in relation to this other person. It also has the potential to give more information as to the kind of ideal relationship or movement or feeling that I am trying to visualize and bring into being. My metasubjective relationship - my experience of and relationship with community and culture - is ever-present in the process of choreography as the “why” and “how.”
Without an undercurrent of metasubjectivity, there would be no reason for me to create. Through creative activity, I respond to the world around me and develop my relationships with other and with my community. I am most excited to create when I have a strong response to something I see in the world.